Why Kim Michaels Left Shangra-la and His Marriage

July 31, 2009

Dear Brothers and Sisters in the Light,

Under the prompting of Padma Sambhava I write you here, not to just give you another side of a story, so you are further forced into a sense of division from this "oneness" Kim so emphatically focuses on, but because the Brotherhood want me to give you the truth. The truth is the only thing we need to know and then through that truth we may make our own choices on how best to respond to someone's calamity and use it as a springboard to this higher oneness Kim refers to. There is no Oneness without Truth.

The problem is that truth is relative and thus each one of our opinions is colored by our motives, our vision, or lack thereof, our desires and our attunement with the higher truths. There are some truths that are left out of Kim's announcement, as well as some untruths in his perspective of what transpired and thereby a twisting of the facts to justify certain actions.  And there is a large body of the unknown that is propelling us forward into unknown territory of karmic conditions on the planet, as well as personal karma that we ourselves have made. And this is cluttering our ability to see the truth.

Kim and I have been a married couple, leaders in the community, and representatives of the Great White Brotherhood, messengers, if you will. But nothing is forever, especially as we choose to Be or not Be in our daily choices. Just because we were anointed at some time in the past for the Brotherhood, does not mean it was meant to continue or would. Thereby, as one person replied to Kim's "higher oneness" invitation letter to the community, and so clearly states the truth, we do not follow messengers, teachings or anyone - we only follow the truth.

Where do we get the truth? We get it from within. We either resonate with the vibration behind the words of what one says, or we leave those words behind. Nothing any of us may say is entirely true, no matter our intention. Because truth is progressive and we are always open to a higher truth. But the inherent danger here is not on what was unsaid, but what was said that is untrue. For in that untruth can lie the darkest of attempts at division from true oneness, which we already have and what the I AM THAT I AM refers to in this Alpha Therapy I had with Kim, that his new partner officiated over.

Division is simply an unreality. It is our identification with that unreality that is the catalyst to further divide others through doubt and fear from reality. So experiencing life from this oneness cannot be achieved in a marriage or community when one chooses to entertain the lie created out of doubt and fear.

It was a great shock to me to learn last Monday (July 28, 2009) that Kim had fallen in love with another woman. And I am just learning here, in his announcement to the community, that his infatuation with this woman started two years ago and had been progressing at each conference since they have attended together. I was well aware that something had changed between them this past school of Being session, her second school session to attend, as I realized she had not come here to attend the school, but to be near Kim.

The Plot to Discredit Lorraine's Soundness
It became a group topic one day because she did not attend many sessions but when someone would look for her, she would be off talking with Kim. So we talked about it as a group, but none of us understood it at the level that it was. At one group session, I had left the room and she began to criticize me and my way of running the school, my method of teaching and using kinesiology and the way I received words. This conversation disturbed some of the students and they told me about it afterwards. In another session Kim talked with the group alone when I asked him to take the session for me while I handled a personal disaster. My daughter's boyfriend had used my laptop and infected it with a very serious virus. That morning it not only had seriously shut down my laptop, but migrated to my desktop. You could say all hell broke lose as I lost all functions on my most important tool of communication with the world.

As I tried to work with my son to see what we could save or repair, I could not handle the next school session in a peaceful manner and asked Kim to fill in for me. What transpired at their session was Kim and this woman projected upon the group that I was exhausted from doing too much and that is why I had him take over. They talked about how it was my imbalances that were appearing in this fiasco, and that I do too much and won't let people help me. They both separately came to me after their meeting sympathetic towards my exhaustion which was not the reality at all.  I wondered at their "sympathetic energies" they both put upon me. No one else in the group came to me concerned with my apparent "exhaustion" to Kim and this woman.

This was just a small sample of what began to unfold from Kim about our relationship, as he attempted to convince in the days after his announcement to me about this woman, that I was too controlling and would not accept help from anyone.. He attempted to point out that my way of doing things and running things caused very unnecessary wastes of time because I complicate everything in how I do it. The way I take care of the horses, run the school, our mission, keep house and interact with people, were some of the examples he gave to me. He told me he did not know the underlying cause for this defect, but he wanted me to know that this was a serious sign of a very wounded being. He was very disturbed that I appeared not to agree with him. He would sit me down and talk at me for ten minutes, then leave frustrated that I could not understand his point. Then later return again, trying again to convince me that I was seriously wounded and this justified his wanting to break up our marriage.

If I had of felt that his desire to tell me this was out of the need to bring us to a greater oneness in love, I would have been open to talking about the way I organize and run my life. But because I felt an ulterior motive to separate from me, so that he could move on with another person, and have an excuse to do so and have an excuse to give to the community, I could not openly look at these things with him and come to a higher truth together.

Accepting Help from the Community
I would like to take this opportunity to tell the community that my behavior as organizer, and the energy and direction behind conferences, the school of Being and the Shangra-la Mission, did cause me to be extremely busy and to do much business work to the neglect of maybe giving personal love and attention all the time. Some people have confessed to Kim or me that they were disturbed when they asked to help me and I declined. I have not always been the best communicator, especially when my hands were full, so I would often politely decline and say I was fine, and truly meant it. To tell you the truth, the declines were genuine, not because I refused to let people help me, but often because at the time the person asked I had already done the tasks or had other people helping me. But to certain individuals with wounded psychologies themselves, for me to decline help from them would appear that I was too proud to receive any help. This was certainly not the case.

At each of our past conferences, people volunteer to cook, clean and help. I could not put on a conference without this help and have always GLADLY accepted people to volunteer. I have learned over the years that some people time their offer perfectly, so that I have just completed preparations for a meal or just almost finished washing up and then they come and offer their services - in which the time is past to take up their offer. In this way they can justify to themselves, to Kim and others, that I am the problem and I refuse their help. They can feel good about themselves that they offered, while their egos feel content.

I am not where I am today without a good bit of common sense and wisdom. I know how to organize and I know how to get help. My role is not to do it all myself, nor do I desire to. My role is to help people see their own illusions. And I do that by reflecting back to them what they cannot see. They can still choose to not see this behavior in themselves and they can still choose not to help. But what disturbs them, and Kim mostly, is that they choose not to do these things themselves and they are thereby disturbed that I do. A busy person can make a lazy, selfish person more visible. And this can be disturbing to be so exposed.

The fact of the matter is that I lovingly take on more than I should. I have a very strong sense of responsibility which is what the I AM was showing me in the beginning of my Alpha therapy. Responsibility comes out of the need to do things perfectly, but also out of the false need to care for others rather than truly nurturing them. If I go to court for my child's offenses against the law and win his freedom, I am not helping that child grow. He will just go out and cause another offense until he finally faces the consequences of his choices.

But try and put on a conference and run a school and organization when you have people of all levels of ability and consciousness trying to help causes many problems. Meals have gotten burnt, animals have died. These are serious consequences. I have to choose at every moment the balance between what I can allow people to help with and how much their possible mistakes will impact the greater whole. Even if I give specific directions, it matters not. People will not hear you and do the opposite of what you say. They can be tools of the dark forces, they can just be people with mild to serious psychological disorders. Regardless, my sense of responsibility for the outcome causes me to do more and more to help the wheels keep turning without personal and organizational calamities.

This is what Kim refers to as that which he sees must change and that he expresses he has had enough. I was trapped and I knew it. But he was unable and unwilling to help because he did not want to cook the meals, arrange the housing, feed the horses or even correspond with the people. He rather chooses to not answer people's emails,for the most part, and thereby I even had a sense of having to pick up the slack for that, trying all the harder to make sure I answered people's queries.

Without the people, what do we have? An empty shell of an organization. It is the people that count. And Kim has told me that he feels no need to answer the hundreds of people that have written him for questions. Whereas I felt that they should at least be given an acknowledgement of receipt. But that was his choice to not do so, but not what I would do.

Many of the people who have come to our conferences have come because they corresponded with me several times before attending, and thereby felt more comfortable in doing so. I had an email a few days ago where someone asked me for Kim's new email address because I told him Kim would be running the conferences from now on. He said he always had included me in his addresses to Kim because he knew I would answer first because Kim rarely did answer him.

Kim is not even aware of who he has sent his new oneness announcement to, nor did he seem to care. As I looked over the list I found the list included several people who had left the community, or were disciplined and asked to leave, and it would be very inappropriate to receive this announcement. Many other names were of people who are not close to us and have not even attended a conference. I do not know where he got his list from, but this type of carelessness is what propels me to do things myself.

So I have been caught in a rock and a hard place to discover a better way to be the hands and feet of loving kindness (which he accused me several times that I lack, but his new "oneness" partner has an abundance of) without a lot of help. I often receive just under six hours a sleep a night, while Kim gets his eight hour rest at night and takes almost daily hour or more naps.

Although I am busy from morning until night and love all that I do, I would like to have more help and to be better organized. So I try to maximize my time so that when I may be weeding or doing some menial task I might commune with the Brotherhood or study ideas. And many of my extra chores are my choosing. I wanted a vegetable garden which of course is more work.

I accept responsibility for my choices and my work load. My choices have far-reaching consequences. And I am paying the price today for those choices. They have affected the harmony of our marriage and ultimately the community. But so have Kim's choices. He always had a choice to say no to me or suggest a better idea, as a community member suggested to him. But he made excuses to me why he didn't, "It was not the right time" or "You were not ready to hear it," or "He was being passive and just letting things be to keep harmony."

My Explanation of What Happened
I feel it is necessary to give you certain details about what happened this past week of July 2009, in light of Kim presenting his view of what happened, so that you have my perspective. It is only a perspective, through my filter of being, but in order for you to understand the deeper forces at play here, you need this understanding if you are going to pass this test given to the community and rise above the he said/she said duality consciousness.

This confession from Kim to me came about because he did not come to our bed last Sunday night. So early in the morning I went looking for him to see if he was all right and found him in another building on the property. He did not immediately tell me much, first initially saying he had something he wished to talk to me about and did I have time? He then started the conversation telling me that he had found a strong oneness with another woman and felt they had a mission together, but they did not know what or how it would come about. He suggested he and I continue to work together but separate out as man and wife and come to a higher oneness. He told me that he had felt for a long time that I was holding back the community's growth—and his own. He told me that they had stayed there together in the building talking until 4 a.m.

I do not wish to embarrass him or the other woman, but the fact remains that Kim has a very strong desire to be with this woman and I, as his former wife, lover and friend, immediately recognized the signs. That is why I used the statement above, saying that he had fallen in love with another woman, as I see that being the honest truth. So I had two choices, to wait and see what unfolded and see if this truly was as I sensed, or what appeared to me to be the wiser thing to do and immediately take steps towards the inevitable full separation.

All of us spent the day together and later this woman did an Alpha Therapy session on me at my request, which I taught her to do at the School of Being. I was prompted to do this session with her, although it was uncomfortable for me to expose myself this way to both her and Kim, as you can witness while reading it. They grilled me during the session, which I believe was the obvious attempt to find my faults and loss of equilibrium, and they were looking for I AM to state where or how I would not come into oneness with the Light. It was clear from within the unity with I AM, while experiencing I AM speaking through me, to see the true feelings both had for me and especially Kim's need to discover a reason for why he believed I was holding him and the community back. But the revelations that came out of it was well worth any discomfort.

The following day he and the woman disappeared for most of the day, without saying a word to any of us. I was already in shock, but the added stress of this action propelled me to react in strong ways and take action to end our relationship. As I pondered the course of action for us both, I thought it best that Kim keep on with his spiritual work and I withdraw completely. My heart felt empty and I felt empty and not able to give of myself to serve anyone, losing what I thought was the best friend I had ever had in my life. And every time we tried to talk about what was the next step, Kim always brought the conversation around to some block I wasn't seeing that had destroyed our marriage and all that we had built up in the mission. I felt, he was attempting to find the excuse and problem in me, to justify his need to abruptly end the relationship. And it was an abrupt end, as he had never given me a sign, or attempted to point out to me that he was wanting to the end the relationship.

He would hammer me to confess that I had deep wounds that only he could see and that I was blind to. And that I had this inordinate need to control him, the Shangra-la Mission, its members and their interaction with us (as I discussed above) and thereby being the one holding back the community from this greater oneness he spoke of.

As the hours went by I became more sorrowful, confused, and disoriented. I had never seen Kim act so heartless towards me and the shock of that, coupled with the shock of seeming to lose the most important person in my life, caused me to act like a stranger even to myself. One night I asked for permission from him to tape the conversation because I could not see clearly what was happening between us, as the conversations ALWAYS spiraled down into some chasm of untruths. He went to bed and I stayed up all night typing both this conversation between us and the Alpha therapy session they both did on me.

I quickly felt a terrible remorse upon hearing myself during our discussion. It was not the words I said as much as the tone of my voice. It was not me. Although he had left that conversation between us abruptly, seeming very angry with me because I asked if a master wished to speak to us through him, I searched him out on the property to wake him up and confess and apologize for my terrible behavior. I confessed that yes, I was not seeing something here and I truly wished to get to the truth and then I left.

Kim felt I was not seeing was what he called my "loss of harmony" or what he later expressed "loss of equilibrium" which caused me to react to people and lose my balance. That, he said, attracts certain people to our organization that eventually need disciplining, citing a most recent incident that came up at the school of Being. 

I reference Hans-Peter, as an example because it has become a public discussion on the Christhood forum for the last week, where Kim suggested people to respond to it with their opinions. It also became a school of Being class lesson, using Hans-Peter as an example, on how to see through the serpentine energies of doubt that certain people engage in. Hans-Peter had just been asked by me not to visit our property with his family last week, as he had intended through an invitation from Kim during our Lourdes conference where he and his wife attended.

The response to him from me was because he has been trying to manipulate us (for years), and especially me, to set himself up as the guru to us and to undermine our oneness, not only with each other, but with our inner gurus. And in this most recent letter he was suggesting things like his wife's illness was due to everyone at Lourdes not "walking their talk" as Kim does, and especially me. A completely divide and conquer tactic that Kim did not recognize or did not wish to see and challenge when I asked for his advice. But rather he said I was blowing it out of proportion and losing my equilibrium about nothing and he had no problem with Hans-Peter still visiting us that week.  Kim then focused more on what he believed was my loss of harmony than on the issue of whether to allow Hans-Peter to continue with his planned visit less than a week away.  And so that in itself became a division between us because neither of us could convince the other of what we saw was really happening.

Hans-Peter also suggested in that letter that I should take his financial donation he sent me -- that he specifically asked me to use to buy a new broadcast laptop -- and to now use it for a higher purpose - to fix his wife who was out of balance because of me (whom I have had no personal contact with outside of a brief introduction to her at the conference). [These acts were very serpentine and later I discovered why, which I expressed to the community in a letter a few days after this was written.]

The Awakening of Serpents
Such manipulative activity is not uncommon by people in or out of any spiritual community. But during our marriage I have been the one who has said enough is enough when these people cross a certain line. I cannot sit back (or bury my head in the sand as I AM THAT I AM says to Kim and this woman) and allow someone to treat me or the community members this way. This is contrary to my God flame and who I am. And this has always been one of the main bones of contention between Kim, myself and the community at large. We are and have always been divided on what we think is the most loving way to act towards manipulative people.

This is the inroad the dark forces can always use to keep Kim and I out of oneness. It was not me personally drawing these people to the community, although this is what Kim perceives as an imbalance which he believes is the cause of the problem with people. It is really that we are fundamentally different God flames, responding differently to any given situation, as well as the community. The dark forces use people like this man, to divide and conquer us, all of us, from our oneness. And none of us has accepted that we each have a right to respond in the best way we feel according to our state of consciousness.

The problem becomes that we are all at different levels of consciousness and wisdom, therefore we cannot agree, from those different states, how to handle divide and conquer tactics that come up for any spiritual community. We deny each other the right to be or not be their God flames. And because none of us are perfect in that expression of our God flames, we then use this imperfection to blame or cast doubt upon each other. The serpent then has won.

Whether Hans-Peter had come to our home or not, the energy through him had done its work. We were divided. I did not welcome this dark energy through Hans-Peter here on our sacred property, (as I AM THAT I AM also tells us) and especially right in the middle of a school session. And so I asked him to make alternative plans as he was no longer welcome on our property. But it took three times before he would accept my request, saying he would just come anyway or he would write his guru (Kim) and override my requests.

Eventually, after several written attempts to get me to formally kick him out of the community, which I was not guided to do, he spoke with Kim and Kim suggested he take a break from the community.  He told us he would withdraw from Shangra-la quietly without a word, if we but told him to, but could not keep quiet one last time and made a public announcement on the forum, which the forum group then opened this up as a discussion per Kim's request.
 
Within 48 hours of Kim's confession to me, the remaining students staying in our home (Kim's new partner and her best friend) found other places to stay and Melissa left with them. During this 48 hours, Melissa and I talked no more than 5 minutes. I approached her minutes after Kim confessed to me his new oneness, to prepare her for a possible divorce, only to find out that she already knew more than I. She informed me that she and her father had already talked and he had related to her he had had enough of me. And then she berated me for what she believed was what I deserved. She never approached me to talk about it again, although I tried one more time the next day to reach her and was unable to. She only knows what transpired between Kim and I from Kim himself. And she has not once come to me talk about my feelings or support me other than to give me a hug on her exit with the others.

Many more things happened in this short period of time, some of which I shared with personal friends, of which Kim referenced as my announcement. Eventually I did suggest he just make an announcement alone because I felt spiritually empty and confused and felt it was best for me just to withdraw all my presence from the community and allow Kim his day alone.

But the next day after Kim left I had my victory with Mighty Victory. Once I had that victory I felt such spiritual freedom that my I AM sung within me "I AM Free!" And I knew I was free from Kim's projections and lies put upon me and free to truly be myself. And after reading the I AM THAT I AM speak on this property, I knew I was staying and I was going to continue the school of Being. So I promptly wrote Kim of my new decision, but he chose to ignore me and just write a letter to the community without my participation or consent.

My communication of these truths are impersonal and delivered to you in this impersonal way in order not to confuse and pull on your emotions. I have read all your letters and received the most loving and warm invitations to come live with people all over the world. My heart is full and overflowing with joy and gratitude for the growth and spiritual attainment so many of you have.

We have had some very close experiences to oneness over the years and I hope to have many more with you. I hope to come into a higher oneness with Kim and Melissa, if they desire to allow me to Be. And I will likewise honor their Being if they let it come out in my presence.

We have a lot of work to do, not just Kim and Melissa. We have to put into practice our Beings and the school is making great progress in exposing the areas that block our Being. I have learned at every school and I hope to continue to learn at future classes.

There is some very important information in the I AM THAT I AM's release through me during my Alpha Therapy. Ponder what he says as a higher understanding of what Oneness truly means and what loving another and giving our light does when it is indiscriminately given out.

In Victorious Peace for all your Beings,
Lorraine