My Story - Losing the Will to Be

and Regaining it through Determination, forgiveness and Love

by Lorraine Michaels

September 20, 2004

I share with you a very personal experience. I am prompted to, in fact, by I AM. Whatever happened to me is very personal, but at the same time, a reflection on what is really behind some of our most hidden causes of blocks to Being.

The reason I believe the Great White Brotherhood want you to know about my experience is not for entertainment, of course, but for enlightenment. So as you read below, remember, this is important to your understanding and healing.

Hiding From El Morya
I remember the first time I realized I could not look at El Morya’s face. Of course, being in the Summit Lighthouse his face beamed at us from every corner. I was in my S.U. quarter, when my bunk mate placed a picture of El Morya on her bed and kept it there. She loved El Morya and had no problem looking at his picture whatsoever!

So I received this comeasurement that the problem was mine. I did not understand how I could be bothered about him looking at me. What was I hiding from him? I was open in my confession letters and I felt and I knew that I could not hide anything from him. But at the same time, I knew that if I just didn’t look in his eyes, I would not be reminded of something I wanted to forget.

Years later I heard a dictation from him. I would like to tell you what he said, but I cannot find this particular dictation, not knowing what year I heard it and what he actually said. But from my memory, it was something about letting him down, that some of us have actually let him down in prior lifetimes. I immediately claimed that responsibility and knew that I had let him down and that is why I could not look into his eyes with any comfortability.

Time went by and it was now 12 years later, and I could finally look him in the eyes and I would decree to him often and ask for his assistance. I first heard him speak to me in 1989, I had just moved to Montana and I wanted to move into Glastonbury desperately. I knew from the moment I heard about Glastonbury in 1981, I believe it was, that Glastonbury was my destination, I needed to be there.

And so I prayed for years to get there. And by the grace of God, Kuan Yin, who gave me inner direction to get me there, helped me make it in 1989. Kuan Yin’s direction was the first time I heard a master. I knew it was her because I had been doing a year long vigil to her. I wanted to take my children to Montana with me and I was not going to leave without them. And she told me to leave without them! I did and I won custody of them to live with me in Montana.

But when I was there, looking for a way to buy property in Glastonbury, (for some reason I never considered renting) I felt this malaise overtaking me. Every way I tried to find a way in was blocked like a sticky molasses of resistance and immoveability. People were not moving in the sense of action. And so while decreeing to El Morya he spoke a few short words to me, and I mean short: “Be patient.” That was it. But I knew, with that sense of knowing that he knew something I didn’t and I would get into Glastonbury in due time and I did. I met Kim and within a few weeks he asked me to marry him. But in just those few words I let go of all desiring to move mountains, which it seemed I was trying to do, and just let go. I believed and had faith that El Morya's words and direction were real and I followed them.

After Kim and I were married, we moved my trailer to South Glastonbury. I had moved to Montana in April and found my trailer within a few weeks. It was the following November, during our first snow of the season, we moved the trailer up. I continued to work with El Morya, never hearing him speak to me again until six years later. I had taken some healing courses and became a health kinesiologist. El Morya was right there working with me and my clients. I knew it, and he spoke an occasional word to me when I would get stuck on an issue with a client that we didn’t understand. It was not just El Morya working with me, but mostly him. I knew he was sending me clients. I never had to advertise. I also knew he was working with me on my personal psychology.

El Morya Shows Me My Past
And so one day he brought me to the issue with him, leading me to a particular lifetime. I was led to this regent queen of Scotland. She was the mother of Mary, Queen of Scots, the known embodiment of one of our church members. Her name was Mary of Guise, or Mary of Lorraine, Lorraine being the town in France where she was born. It made sense, so much sense. My first and second marriage were to Scottish men. I named my first son James, the name of Mary's husband. I have loved England and Scotland as the most favorite places in the world, outside of America, although I have never been there in this life. She was regent queen until infant Mary was old enough to take the throne. Her husband and infant Mary’s father passed on 2 weeks after her birth. And of course, the name, which my father gave me after he fell in love with the song, "Sweet Lorraine."

For some reason, I knew that I had let El Morya down in that life. Mary had originally supported Protestantism and later turned to trying to suppress their control of Scotland. She was trying to unite France and Scotland and the baby Mary was betrothed to Henry the VIII’s son at two weeks old. Mary had the agreement reversed and betrothed her to a French prince. Religion and control of land was always an issue in the world, and no less back then. I do not know exactly how I let El Morya down, but I knew his tie to King Henry VIII. I felt it had something to do with not supporting him. From that moment on, I never felt shame, guilt or fear of El Morya. I asked for his forgiveness and I moved on. I was free. So it did not, and does not matter that I was or was not this Mary of Guise. But with our understanding today, we know our souls do and can take on embodiment on the planet in more than one place at one time.

But there was something still there in my psychology. There always had been. I share part of my experience in my book, The Way, where Mother brought to my attention that I did not love myself. That was back in 1984. I have been working on that issue since. Every time I thought I had broke through, another facet of the issue would come to my attention. I believe I really tried to love myself. I knew I could not love anyone else if I didn’t, at least not fully. So I did Saint Germain’s heart meditations every week for a year, to break down any hardness of heart. I was determined to have nothing stop my love, my ability to love and be loved.

The amazing thing was that I had always felt my heart flame, from the beginnings of my path in the Teachings of the Ascended Masters. And when I did the heart meditations, my heart chakra would be blazing. So why couldn’t I love myself? Most importantly, why couldn’t I receive love?

I made breakthroughs, like with this guilt issue with El Morya. I also recovered a major soul fragment that was very important to my sense of self worth. I also share that story in my book. That was an important breakthrough and that gift of healing was the direct result of the master’s healing light. I experienced the scene in my body, of dying, the soul’s split due to the belief that separated her from her own being, and then the death and being in heaven. I saw shame, and tremendous guilt that occurred in my being from the soul fragmentation.

So once that was healed, I again thought I was whole and the work was done. I could love myself. And so, to the best of my ability, I did. But I still could not receive love. I could feel the tremendous love of the masters for me, but I could not quite accept it or believe it.

A Turning Point In Being
A few days ago I am led to another turning point in my life. In fact, the biggest turning point in my history of Being. This time it is not with El Morya, but with Jesus. At every turn, I am led to be with Kim, to love him and to allow him to love me. This has been going on for months. I finally understood it was Jesus, it was all about Jesus. Why could I not receive Jesus’ love through Kim? Why was I rejecting his love. I know this was so, because he told me. I was not feeling worthy enough of Jesus’ love.

At every turn, I have been receiving the words, “worthy of nurturance.” It is like a broken record, and I began to get weary of it. How can I accept that I am worthy of nurturance from God? What have I done? What can I do? I do affirmations, I decree and sing and bit by bit I feel I am making progress. But every time I think it is the last straw of the bundle, I hear the words again, “Worthy of nurturance.” I had so many initiations, that at times I was despondent. I would quickly pull myself out of it and keep on. But the tests did not stop. They were endless.

Through all those tests, I felt progress. I became more and more loving each day. It was not hard, I just loved, even those who were against me. One day back in 1995, I woke up from sleep with these words blazen in fire across my mind: “Love those who would harm you and persecute you.” I knew those words were given to me by God, my God Self and I knew, above all, I must never let another’s negativity towards me discourage me from loving them. So I had been working on this for many years.

The Power of the Word
One day a few weeks ago, Kim and I were giving the Archangel Michael’s rosary when I was given the word “shame” to put in place of the word “fear” in the Hail Mary’s. So for two weeks we used the new word. I thought it was for all the lightbearers and thought nothing of it. One day Kim said to me, “What are you ashamed of?” I denied it right away, “Why nothing!”

A few days ago, immediately upon waking up, I am directed to face something - shame! When the Brotherhood work with me and my psychology they use my Kinesiology training. They give me words. They guide me to an inner understanding. Sometimes they talk to me directly, but mostly they give me a word or concept and have me mull upon it and go within and try to understand it. It is a long process and it is difficult. I have to pull up from inside myself the knowledge hidden of why I do, think and feel something that takes me out of Being.

I was then told I had failed at Being in one thing - feeling worthy of nurturance. It had to do with Kim as well, but not so much Kim, but his tie to Jesus, and to Jesus himself. What had I done to Jesus that I did not feel worthy? Why could I not accept Jesus’ love through Kim?
I was also told that I would not allow Being, that I knew in my heart the way to Be, but I was not doing it. I thought it might be the Christian orthodox view of Jesus and misconceptions they teach about being worthy of God’s love and Jesus’. But that was not it. And then Jesus told me directly that I was given the opportunity to accept his love through Kim, but I had rejected it. Am I feeling better about myself by now? Well, no, but I am feeling determined to get over this and to the bottom of it. The thought of being able to receive Jesus’ love freely was like the light at the end of a tunnel. I had to get there.

The Truth Comes Out
But worse was to come. The archangels were helping me, and have been working with me very closely, especially Archangel Uzziel and his twin flame, Mother Mary, and Archangel Michael. If you want to see something in your psychology, we have traditionally gone to Mother Mary and Kuthumi, as well as El Morya. But I tell you, Archangel Uzziel and especially his twin flame, will help you see anything that needs to be seen, if you but ask them.

And so they brought me to a prior lifetime. They gave me a name and I put two and two together and figured out who they meant. I then went to the internet and looked up the lifetime. What faced me was shocking. Here was an embodiment of a leader of a nation, but do you know how he is known in history? He is known more for his atrocities than his good works. What he did to people was beyond what I could ever imagine a lightbearer engaging in.

But the Brotherhood assured me, yes I was this monster! And not only this monster, but I was to return to this lifetime and continue on with the mission with Archangel Uzziel, to be the judgment, God’s judgment. My vengeance in that life was God’s, they said. I was to destroy the aristocracy of the time, who were not of the light. But would God seek vengeance? I read more stories of his life between doing my daily chores, every once in awhile reading a different angle on his life.

Some writers wrote compassionately, some wrote and called him an angel that turned into a fallen angel! Some wrote focusing on the worst, some looking for the good points. But gradually, through all the stories I pieced together the truth. And it became more frightful. At one time I burst into tears with remorse and shame. How could I have ever hurt another? You should see me today, I open the door so flies can leave my house, rather than killing them with a fly swatter. If I see a bug, I pick it up and throw it outside. I could not imagine that I could kill another human being and torment them in the process.

It was the next day before I processed through this. Beloved Mother Mary came to me and gave me the teaching on this lifetime. She shared with me the knowledge that brought understanding, because daily, through my prayers to her and Archangel Michael, I had been asking for relief from this shame, unbeknownst to me!

I share with you, in part, some of what Mother Mary said to me. She told me that in the eyes of the world, this leader was remembered as being awful, but in the eyes of the lightbearers, he was much appreciated, as he wiped out virtually every nest of the fallen ones in his vicinity. I was given the understanding of Jesus’ role in this life. Although Jesus was not in embodiment, he entered the being of this leader’s wife, and guided the wife through her Christ self, to love, support and hold the balance for this leader.

And so Mother Mary went on. She said now you understand your connection with Jesus, he held the balance for you to complete the many tasks given you to do, and you did them. But they took the life of your wife, (she was poisoned) and Jesus’ support you so desperately needed. She said it was at that point that he snapped, giving into the forces that were against him and wiped them off the face of the earth, the murderers and everyone of the evil ones that surrounded him, and there were multitudes. She said it was part of the mission to go mad, and my soul did the part well.

Losing My Will To Be
But in surviving in this mad man, I lost my will to Be with others. I saw myself as damned under the same damnation I carried out on these evil ones. So the soul, witnessing from inside, the demonic forces at work through her, vowed to not Be around others, to protect others from herself. She was not meant to take on this negative belief, this burden, but was there in this body to be the guiding force inside this madman, to keep the forces of darkness in check so they would not be let lose on the wrong sources. Mother Mary said the soul did very well under the guidance of Archangel Uzziel. She said that it was a daunting task that was to be much commended for and that not many in heaven would volunteer to do.

I then prayed and started my Archangel Rosary. I had only gotten through a few paragraphs when Archangel Michael told me that he gave me an increment of light to help me. I read every word of that rosary seeing what I had been asking for every day, and how this healing was precipitated from my work with these rosaries. I knew then, no more shame, I did not need to continue to replace the word fear with shame in the Hail Mary’s.

I had reached the core of my shame, my sense of unworthiness, my inability to receive love. I had discovered why I could not Be around others all the time, I did not feel worthy of God’s nurturance. If there is any ounce of wanting nurturing/love from another, you are vulnerable to the forces of this world turning on you through others, when you try to Be. No force of this world wants anyone Being. They know it is their end if the world was full of God Beings, knowing who they are, and Being that which they are.

So when I was Being around others, I had to constantly fight needing anything back from anyone, any acceptance, love, support. I had to place all my attention on needing only God and the Light through the Heavenly Hosts. There were so many people who supported me in this mission in these years, and a few of them turned away, usually without a word, just turned and left me.

My Fall from Grace
My strength came from Elohim Victoria. She gave me an understanding of who I am a few months back. Without that support, I don’t know that I could have faced this lifetime. She showed me that I came into embodiment to bring the joy that I am. I came in with a handicap, born to be abnormal, to prove to the world that I AM is joy and peace regardless of the form or circumstances of birth. And so I was joyful and at peace! But according to the world, you were not supposed to be joyful and at peace with not being normal and whole. And so the wounds I took on in that embodiment – which was impressed upon me was the first time of projecting the Self into form, to bring God into form to Be – laid the foundation of my fall. I shut off my Being, and I fell from grace, in the sense that I separated out from Being who I was, the I AM that I AM. I took on duality consciousness, I failed.

Beloved Victoria showed me the failings, given to me in a few concepts and thoughtforms, and I understood enough to realize that I had failed, but I could move on now. I only needed to Be that who I was already. Never mind the yesterday’s and the mistakes of Being. I was here today and that is what counted, to Be here today, here below, all that I AM Above.

At that moment that I accepted the healing from Archangel Michael’s light, and Mother Mary, Archangel Uzziel’s twin flame and Jesus, accepted their love and nurturance for my soul, I also accepted into my being the I AM THAT I AM. I heard the most beautiful words one can hear, the words of your God Self, but not my I AM Presence, but that of God, I AM That I AM of me.

He spoke to me with this joy and lightheartedness, like I have never experienced. He told me he had never left me, he was the voice that spoke to me in my heart, comforted me, gave me visions, and took away my pains. He was the one who blessed me with Light and shared experiences with me. He told me how I went about my daily business, not knowing him, the source of all power in me, while he waited for my recognition of him. He told me, in his lighthearted, yet extremely strong and powerful way, “You thought you were abandoned by God. Nay - never - I have always been here. I have been your personal savior, your God that you have loved and adored your whole life and you know not my voice!” He went on to say I will know his voice, “I will not be silenced by your ignorance of me,” he said, because I have been awakened to who I AM.

He is in command now. I have accepted God into my Being. I would wish this for all of you. That is your goal, Be who you are and more. Go after those wounds that block your being. I did it because I loved God more than anything. I have allowed myself to be used in all kinds of ways, to be the instrument of judgment, but to also be the experiment of getting one from a very wounded psychology into the state of Being. If I can do it, you can to. I have just shared with you that even though I did not know I was praying for help in an area of my life that was blocking my wholeness, it did not matter. The Beings of Light took every word I prayed to use to help me. They will and are doing the same for you.

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